Yearning for chaos.

As much as I appreciate being relieved from heartbreak and heartache, I sometimes yearn for the chaos I was living through when those feelings were present in my life. I yearn for the depth of emotion I felt and for the rawness of it all. I felt so alive then. Every step, every breath, every word was noticeable. It took effort. My emotions were in the drivers seat. Now my in-tact heart carries me forward.

At times I want the fuel of devastation to make me a gentler writer, creator, and better/slower human being in general. I’m not sure there’s a way to manufacture those feelings without re-living those tragedies or encountering new ones, which I don’t really want to do.

Destruction can propel inspiration. Sometimes the easy way is not the most expansive way. Coasting is nice, but depth is lacking.

Music helps me. The rawness of emotion in certain songs make me recall my own feelings of sorrow. They bring me back to those dark days, when I was weeding through heart storms. I sit back, absorbing the pain coming out of the speakers, and relive mine.

These hard times are teachers. Soak them in while you can, even while immersed in the agony. Some day you may wish you had them back.