You always sting. It’s hard not to crumble around you. Why-do-ya-gotta-be-like-that? The self-doubt and shame arises and my face turns red-hot when you make your appearance. I ask myself: What did I do wrong? Why this outcome? What did I do to deserve this? Woe is me. All I can do is think about the “no, not now” I heard over and over again. It’s hard to concentrate on anything else.
If I was granted everything I wanted in life, it would be way too easy and simple. I know this. However, rejection, you have never been a friend of mine, no matter how many good things come after you or how many lessons I’ve learned. Here, in this letter, is where I heal my wounds declare my love for you.
Your timing always sucks. Just when I get comfortable or think it’s in the bag…here you are. Again. Yet, once I take a step back, the timing of your arrival makes sense. It needed to happen. To work harder. To be better. To turn a corner. To meet someone else. To do something else. To take a completely different path. To reach a higher level of consciousness. You knew. Darn you.
You hurt. But you make my skin and heart thicker. The ability to bounce back from you is glorious. If I didn’t know down, I wouldn’t know up. And up is soooooo good. But, I guess you already knew this. You’re smart like that.
You motivate me. No one likes hearing “no”. So, I have to prove you wrong. And if I don’t, I’ll end up doing or being something better than I ever expected. (I’m sure you had a plan all along. More about this in a moment.)
You shatter my sense of belonging and purpose. Hearing “no” means something must be wrong me being here in the first place. Or is there? WHAT DO YOU MEAN I’M JUST NOT READY? Is this a sign to keep on going and that, with time, I will hear a “yes“? Ooooooooh, I see. You’re testing my commitment. My strength. My depth. My sense of self. Got it.
You make me humble. I can empathize better with others as a result of you. Discreetness, tolerance, patience and gratefulness arises as a result of being rejected. Bridging and bonding with others comes from a mutual understanding of what it’s like to be disappointed and down-right helpless. Community forms around me and I am humbled by the stories of others who, too, have been burned by your presence. I am a much gentler human being.
Finally, you’re insightful. There’s a bigger-than-me plan hard at work behind the scenes that you are privy to. I may not love you in the moment (arrrrgh), but, I can honour you later (like, now) when I see the value of your assertiveness and inserted-ness into my life. I may never understand why certain things don’t happen, however, I can look at previous patterns. Yes, it’s true. You know what you are doing.
With love, Me