Amidst the academic chaos, inner-work continues at a rapid pace. I have been embracing moments where unhelpful patterns are being revealed. I am thirsty for learning, always.
As I venture out into the hinterland of intimacy once again, I’m encountering many sights and sounds that are bringing up fear, doubt and suspicion. The ghosts of relationships past are a-haunting. I’m not interested in getting pummelled again (who is?) and the fact that I somehow will (and precisely how I will…) can dominate my thought process. Not only that, but past experiences have somehow morphed into core beliefs that need to be shed. Pronto.
One of these dominating core beliefs is that I’m not worth it – that a partner will never prioritize me and my life over his. In my experiences to date (no pun intended), this has been the case. I’ve typically been the primary sacrificer and caregiver. I’ve been let down despite my “all-in” attitude.
I find myself projecting past events onto present situations which is extremely unfair on all parties involved. It’s unreasonable to suggest that our relationship history has no place in our future – it can carefully inform us and the decisions we make. (Hopefully for the better and not for the bitter.) However, every new experience is just that, new. It is not valid to make claims, projections, predictions or even nurture beliefs that are based on the past.
The past is the past for a reason. We need to learn to leave it there.